I am a selfish. Even with all of the people helping me, (okay my family kind of epically fails at support) but even with all of my friends supporting me and people praying for me and wanting recovery for me my desires are not changing in my heart. For some reason I'm not wanting to get better anymore and that terrifies me. I love the safety of restriction and the flood of calm that comes with purging. I ache for the lightness I feel when I go days without putting or carrying anything inside of me. Whenever something terrible happens I run screaming towards my disorder, I've turned it into my God and look to it to teach me how not to need.
I am a dichotomy. I want recovery but fight like hell to stay sick. I want advice but cling desperately to my own tainted perceptions. I want love but without intimacy. I want to be able to let go but I cling to my control like it's my salvation. I want to be alive but I walk with my impending mortality at my side like a companion.
I do not underestimate that the desire to live is both powerful and potent. I believe that the desire to live can outweigh the desire to die and that that desire can propel my recovery forward. I guess that the question for me just becomes: how do I decide that I want to live?
"Bear in mind, people with eating disorders tend to be both competitive and intelligent. We are incredibly perfectionistic. We often excel in school,athletics,artistic pursuits. We also tend to quit without warning. Refuse to go to school,drop out,quit jobs,leave lovers,move,lose all our money. We get sick of being impressive. Rather,we tire of having to seem impressive. As a rule,most of us never really believed we were any good in the first place."
— Marya Hornbacher
