Disordered

"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back."-Marya Hornbacher 

I do not doubt that desire is powerful.  People tell me all the time that I have to just want recovery bad enough and it will happen.  They tell me I can choose to eat, choose to not purge.  They tell me I can control the thoughts in my head that call me weak/fat/whore and choose to ignore them.  They tell me that if I want to live badly enough, that if I desire it enough, that I will choose to live.  And I believe them.  However, the question becomes: how do I decide that I want to live? 


Remy

Pathos

I was reading today and learned that in ancient Greece the word ethos was used to mean one's drive for life while pathos represented one's self destructive nature.  And while everyone is believed to have both in them, the goal of life is presumably to feed your ethos, and let your pathos be overtaken by it.  I'm not sure why I went and did the opposite.  Hell, I'm not sure why any of us did.

I feel like I've forgotten what it means to live.  I don't remember ever feeling alright, all I remember is feeling like shit and I don't remember what it was like before.  People take the feeling of satiation for granted.  They take for granted the fact that they can wholly fulfill their need to consume without the assistance of a feeding tube.  They take for granted the feeling of steadiness, of a head that does not spin every time you stand up to quickly.  They take for granted their throats which aren't torn and raw with bile and their stomachs that don't ache and protrude with hollowed emptiness.  They take for granted that they are able to just be, without it being a question.

I ache for the girl who came before this.

Remy