Dante's inferno opens with Dante running through the woods from three horrible monsters. He runs for so long that he finds himself lost in the dark woods. He's tired, he's alone, and he realizes his doesn't know the diritta via, or right way out. He becomes conscious that he is ruining himself and finds himself falling into what he calls a basso loco, or deep place, where he says the sun is silent (I sol tace). My disordered world is my basso loco where I sol tace. The words found here are my desperate attempt to articulate what feels like my stumble through a place where up is down and food is greed, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It seemed so easy to find my way here but I'm finding it much harder to find the way out.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Disordered

"And so I went through the looking glass, stepped into the netherworld, where up is down and food is greed, where convex mirrors cover the walls, where death is honor and flesh is weak. It is ever so easy to go. Harder to find your way back."-Marya Hornbacher 




I do not doubt that desire is powerful.  People tell me all the time that I have to just want recovery bad enough and it will happen.  They tell me I can choose to eat, choose to not purge.  They tell me I can control the thoughts in my head that call me weak/fat/whore and choose to ignore them.  They tell me that if I want to live badly enough, that if I desire it enough, that I will choose to live.  And I believe them.  However, the question becomes: how do I decide that I want to live? 
Remy
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